Sunday, August 29, 2010

Sometimes you just feel like a drop in the ocean.

I've been getting a big chest lately. In the sense that I've been having a lot of pride. Not in the growth of my actual (12 year old sized) breasts. I wish.

Friday I decided I wanted to go to a movie. Then I decided I could walk/jog there. And I did. And I was so happy I almost cried to the guy at the ticket booth...

Because 6 months ago I would have let you have a few four letter words if you would have suggested I walk the nearly 2.5 miles. This movie theater, for my lovely readers, is just past my borders. And as I gleefully chugged past the borders I got a little emotional.

Here I was. Alone. On a JOG. Mid-day. During a marathon of Color Splash (my favorite on HGTV) I managed to pry myself away from. In pants that left nothing to the imagination. I was sweating. And I my hair was atrocious. But I was doing it. And it was choking me up...

Because I have tried. And failed. So many painfully heartbreaking times to lose weight.

You hear (mostly skinny) people say iggnorant bullshit like:

"You just have to committ to it"

and my personal favorite

"when you're really ready to lose wieght you will"

I wanted to slap them silly. I'm fat. Of course I'm ready to be skinny!!!

FAIR WARNING: I may be getting a little after-school special on you

But then all at once it hit me. I wasn't ready if I wasn't willing to do whatever it takes. And now that I am ready to do whatever it takes I want to give myself a great big hug. Because I don't think we hug ourselves enough.

I want to thank me. For saving myself from drowning in a sea of fat and fellow fat people. Because that's what I felt like. I felt like I was one lowly drop in an ocean of obesity. I surrounded myself with bad habits and excuses and worst of all tolerance.

So when I looked at my reflection in the entrance doors of the theater, A sweaty blotchy red mess. I saw a girl who had thrown herself a life preserver. Literally and figuratively. And I have never been more proud in all of my adult life. Seriously.

I took my time on the way home. Stopped and got a Powerade Zero. Looked at my new ass in every reflective surface I passed. Smiled until my face hurt.

That night I walked another 1.6 miles to the batting cages and back with my husband instead of sitting in front of the TV.

I would love to say that day was full of simple wins... But to me they were big big wins.


  1. I am so proud of you Sandra, I truly mean that! Way to go girl!! You REALLY must be ready for this cuz that was a major decision to walk that far....or you really wanted to see a friggin movie!


  2. your words motivate me! I come back here almost everyday to read what you have on your mind!

    psssssssst.... little secret, I often look in the mirror at my new ass!! And why wouldnt we? We are working far to hard not to!!

    I sometimes just stand there in front of the mirror in just my bra and panties(which are now a size and think.. Damn girl you look good!! HA!!

    Keep up the great work Sandra!! WE CAN DO THIS!!