Monday, August 30, 2010

Today My Glass is Half Full

Today is the day I feel firmly planted in the 260's. And what a glorious day it is.

Glorious because just last Monday, 7 short days ago, I weighed in at 270.9. Today I weigh a very fabulous 268.1. I love dropping an entire middle number more than I love... well just about anything, but mostly more than I love deep fried foods.

Strangely I thought this wouldn't be a very good week for weightloss. But I guess my little excursion to the movies willed the scale otherwise.





Yes ladies and gents this is what I lost this week. You can applaud. It's ok I won't be embarassed. Go ahead. Praise me... I'll wait...

{ insert compliment here }

Thank you for your kind words vibes thoughts etc. They are extremely well deserved appreciated :)

Annnd I have exciting news! I was recently asked to be a bridesmaid in a friends wedding next June. A mere 30 seconds after she asked me my thoughts were on the dress.

Will it look like this?

or THIS?


Or this?

And then I scolded myself internally for being so dramatic, as I most always am, and reminded myself that my friend has both style and class. Hopefully.

And then (dramatic pause) it happened. The seed was planted I couldn't get the idea out of my head with the jaws of life.

What if...

wait for it...

By some grace of GOD, I didn't have to buy a plus sized dress.

Let it marinate for a moment.

What would that mean??? Could I do it? Possibly. Sure. Of course I can do it. But my question has always been will I do it? And I think, truthfully, because I'm not trying to be a big liar, I will do it.

June is an entire 10 months away. The my glass-half-full side says "that's plenty of time". While my glass-half-empty side says "that's plenty of time to give up".

This is what I say.

I didn't start this journey to look good in a bridesmaid dress. I started it to look good naked. Oops. No seriously. I started to be a healthier skinnier happier more wonderful me. And if a byproduct of all that happens to be that I look like a freaking knockout in a NON-Plus sized bridesmaid dress then so be it. It's just icing on the cake.

mmm cake. well... angel food cake... with fat free sugar free cool whip. cake none the less.

So my skinny minis, I am off to choke down my obligatory multivitamin and wash it down with a big ole glass of water. With the glass that was half full of course ;)

** side note **

When I told my husband about the dress thing he said
"That's great honey! And maybe you won't have to wear your Spanx this time."

I said
"Oh no honey, a girl always looks better in Spanx. Even if she's a size 4."

It is truth.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Sometimes you just feel like a drop in the ocean.

I've been getting a big chest lately. In the sense that I've been having a lot of pride. Not in the growth of my actual (12 year old sized) breasts. I wish.

Friday I decided I wanted to go to a movie. Then I decided I could walk/jog there. And I did. And I was so happy I almost cried to the guy at the ticket booth...

Because 6 months ago I would have let you have a few four letter words if you would have suggested I walk the nearly 2.5 miles. This movie theater, for my lovely readers, is just past my borders. And as I gleefully chugged past the borders I got a little emotional.

Here I was. Alone. On a JOG. Mid-day. During a marathon of Color Splash (my favorite on HGTV) I managed to pry myself away from. In pants that left nothing to the imagination. I was sweating. And I my hair was atrocious. But I was doing it. And it was choking me up...

Because I have tried. And failed. So many painfully heartbreaking times to lose weight.

You hear (mostly skinny) people say iggnorant bullshit like:

"You just have to committ to it"

and my personal favorite

"when you're really ready to lose wieght you will"

I wanted to slap them silly. I'm fat. Of course I'm ready to be skinny!!!

FAIR WARNING: I may be getting a little after-school special on you

But then all at once it hit me. I wasn't ready if I wasn't willing to do whatever it takes. And now that I am ready to do whatever it takes I want to give myself a great big hug. Because I don't think we hug ourselves enough.

I want to thank me. For saving myself from drowning in a sea of fat and fellow fat people. Because that's what I felt like. I felt like I was one lowly drop in an ocean of obesity. I surrounded myself with bad habits and excuses and worst of all tolerance.

So when I looked at my reflection in the entrance doors of the theater, A sweaty blotchy red mess. I saw a girl who had thrown herself a life preserver. Literally and figuratively. And I have never been more proud in all of my adult life. Seriously.

I took my time on the way home. Stopped and got a Powerade Zero. Looked at my new ass in every reflective surface I passed. Smiled until my face hurt.

That night I walked another 1.6 miles to the batting cages and back with my husband instead of sitting in front of the TV.

I would love to say that day was full of simple wins... But to me they were big big wins.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I think the cats out of the bag...

I think since this is a weight loss blog I can assume that we're all fat here. Or were once fat. Recovering fataholics if you will.

If you in fact you were never fat (liar) than I apologize for my brashness but I would like to share a few photos and their mutually offensive comments with my very large (4 followers, one of which is me) group of fans.

I had ran into a techincal difficulty when powering up the ole scanner. So I used a poor mans scanner (taking a picture of a picture) so that these could be posted sometime before I retire.

So my friends I take you back... To a time and a photo that I think exemplifies my relationship with food.

I was one here. It was forth of July. My mother put me on the table in front of food to keep me quiet. This trick still works today.

I wasn't always fat you know. I don't think it really started to creep up on me until the age of six. This is the first "chubby picture" I found of myself. And I remember looking at it and knowing I was bigger than most of the other kids. I specifically remember seeing this picture and wanting, so badly to be smaller. I tried really hard to remember where that idea of "smaller is better" was implanted in me and I can't for the life of me figure it out.

I am the first one on the left. Top row. Notice the uncanny resemblance to my teacher. The turtle neck that exemplifies my round little face. Tucked in, of course, to parachute pants. Tight on the ankles loose in the hips. Just the way I liked em ;)

This next one.... well lets take a deep breath and prepare....

did you take one...

don't cheat now...

Ok... This next one displays my second favorite fashion DON'T for young chubby bunnies like myself... The first of which was of course parachute pants. Yuk.

I've searched online and polled friends to find out the name of this 1990's swim suit fashion staple, but no one seems to have an answer.

I've gotten several great names. The "fauxkini". The "monokini". But no one knows the actual name of these things or further more if they can still be purchased.

I would love to take my before and after photos in one of these bad boys. I'm just sayin.

Ok you can't really get the full effect unless viewed from the front. Unfortunately (or not depending on how you look at it) I couldn't seem to round one up. The beauty of this little number is that it's a bikini that is joined at the sides like a one piece, creating this oval cut out that frames a Buddha belly perfectly. Cute when you're two yes. Not when you're ten.

I'm just going to throw this next one out there.

Yes I'm round, but mostly I thought that this third grade picture was a sort of emarassment of riches. The enormous glasses. The waterfall wave bangs. The flannel shirt. Buttoned all the way up. It's a good time. This is what memories are made of people.

I'm sure I have some gems from more recent times and I'll get to them. In the mean time I'm going to post these.

The two happiest days of my life... thus far :)

My graduation.

And my wedding day.

Just to end on a happy note xox

Stay skinny girls!

The Day I Conquered the Cookie

Yesterday I went grocery shopping, which, when I am alone and not under a time constraint I happen to quite enjoy.

Case and point. My grocery excursion lasted a whopping 2 hours last night.

I took my time. Perused the produce.

Waited patently at the deli counter. Which, by the way, conveniently had a nutrition facts pamphlet of ALL of their deli meats and cheeses. Epic win.

The girl behind the meat counter was pleasant and funny which was good because her coworkers had all called off and she was trying to close the joint by herself. I made pleasant conversation while a less patient patron rounded up the manager. We all got five dollar gift card for our patience. Epic win #2.

Not wanting to be a total square and damn my husband to a low carb life, I decided to pick up a bakery pack of double chocolate chip cookies for a treat. He's been very good and shouldn't have to forgo sugar permanantly just for me.

His eyes widened as I took them from the shopping bag and placed them on the counter. He said "Honey." in that stern way that really meant "Honey you shouldn't have bought these they'll be gone by tomorrow morning". Six weeks ago he may have been right. But not now.


Today I found myself home alone. With the cookies. I walked into the kitchen twice. Just to look at them. I pretended to shuffle through the fridge. Then I pretended to get something from the cupboard above the counter where the cookies sat. Both ridiculous. But even more so because I was home alone. I was only pretending for me. And even I wasn't believing myself.

I tried once to get the package open but the hard plastic wasn't giving and it was making this very loud cracking sound that made my heart race for fear that someone would hear it. Again. I was alone. And delusional.

I finally got the package open, snatched up a cookie, and closed it quickly (as to not let the other cookies leap into my hand).

I stared at the cookie for what felt like hours, but I'm sure was only a fraction of a second. I brought the cookie up slowly to my nose and inhaled deeply (like I was savoring the bouquet of a nice wine). sicko.

It didn't smell as good as it looked. Thank God.

I took another deep breath. Let out a very audible groan and put the cookie back in the package. Which, by the way, opened up with ease this time.

I made my self a low carb sunday with Breyers Low Carb ice cream, whipped cream, and dry roasted sunflower seeds for a little crunch. It. Was. Heaven. In six little carbs.

Still that cookie almost got me. Almost.

In the mean time I walked/jogged (lets be honest, it was 90% walk 10% jog) 3 miles today in about 45 minutes and it felt great. Started to sprinkle a little the last mile or so which I thought would be annoying but was invigorating!

No shin splints. I feel good.

Well I feel good now.

I'll let you know in the morning ;)

Good night! Stay Skinny!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Water Water Everywhere... But Not a Drop I Drink!

I don't know what my problem with water is.

For a few days I go hard. Full force drinking my full allotment of H2O in under a days time...

Then I don't. And it feels wretched. really.
My face get's this half dry half oily mess about it.
My mouth feels like the Sahara.
My lips start to resemble sandpaper.
My pee turns the color of Budweiser.
and worst of all...

I kid you not. With just a few days of practical dehydration, my body has shifted from fat burning machine to... what's the opposite of that??? Fat storing camel?

Ug. I know it's bad but I just get lazy. If it's not ice cold and already at my fingertips I don't think about it. Usually this is around the time I convince myself that a new water bottle (something pretty and shiny) is just what I need to get me in the thirst quenching mood...

But as I sit here now staring at the water bottle graveyard in my cupboard...

Here Lies Rubbermaid... She was great until I lost her straw.
RIP Sig... indestructible my ass.

I am sure that the last thing I need is another one.
A glass is just fine. And if that fails I think I can round up one lone water bottle survivor. I just need to be a big girl.

In the mean time I have conquered that walk to Borders with confidence.

I feel like I'm getting stronger.

And a cousin I haven't seen in a few months seems to think I look skinnier.

So I'll take that simple win and raise you 3 lbs. That's what I hope to loose by next Monday... I have to just suck it up, the water that is, if I'm gonna do it.

Cheers to all of you further along on your weight loss journey. I raise my glass (or severely dented and misshapen aluminium water bottle) to you!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I'm going to grant my self a .3 lb credit

I've lost 10 lbs (actually 9.7 but I'm rounding up) and it feels fantastic. Just thought I'd share.

I copped out of my late night walk last night and feel the weight of guilt this afternoon so I must make up for it today.

I have a to do list a million miles long which means today I am the anti-couch potato (great superhero name). This makes for a happy girl. And a happy girl makes for a week of great weightloss. I can smell it :)

Happy Thursday folks xox

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Just a few (15) points.

1. I have been slow to get moving on the exercise front lately. I spent the last 2 days perched on my computer editing things that don't need to be edited just to avoid walking.

2. My plan of inaction failed when God provided me with, not one, but two of the most beautiful days for being outdoors... complete with mild temps and cool breezes. conspiracy? I think yes.

3. I am convinced that my husband is only interested in riveting conversation when I am A. on the telephone or B. blogging.

4. I need to get some new music on my ipod.

5. I am not the proud owner of not ONE but THREEEEEE sports bras. Hooray for hygiene!

6 I found a great little side street route to walk for a change up. It passes by an elementary school with a bench in front that looked great for step up quad exercises.

7. The bench was not stable. or maybe a little too high. or both. either way my quads said no... and I listened.

8. Took my walk today with little stints of jogging thrown in there for good measure.

9. Once I got home these stints of jogging prompted a swift Google search for
"what is this pain in my side when I run"
"pain in my shins when I run".
It's bad news bears.

10. Also. When I run my pants fall down. Which isn't good. However its really not good when you don't wear underwear with you're exercise clothes. (don't say yuck! They make me sweat and they bunch up and fall down and they just really drive me insane)

11. By the way. If you ask me, anything that gives a girl an excuse not to wear underwear should be a fun time. Hopefully one day, in the very near (but really very far) future running will be my fun time. Next to cute kittens and HGTV, of course.

12. To rectify this bare ass in public problem I have become the proud owner of a pair of moisture wicking (for my sweating problem) very TIGHT (for the bare ass problem) running capris. Really. They're actually more like leggings. WHICH i swore I would never own. They are glorified Seran wrap. They cling to every inch of my over-sized body in a way that makes me highly uncomfortable... on a psychological level. On an actual, real, stop being a freaking baby level, they are the most comfortable wearable perfect walking jogging running pants in the entire world. But I should still only be seen in them at night.

13. I confess I avoided my multivitamin like the plague today. Back on track in the AM.

14. I've been Low carbing it for three weeks now and trying to move my ass at least once a day and... (dramatic pause)... I've lost 8.5 lbs as of Monday! Read em and weep.

15. If I can look like a sex siren in our family Thanksgiving photo this year I probably will weep. Some say, "Sandi looking like a sex siren at a family function is highly inappropriate (in a scolding grown up voice)" I say "If I'm skinny enough to fit into a bikini by next Christmas you're in for one hell of a holiday card"

Good night lovies. Here's to beauty sleep xox

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Some like it hot. Not me.

Yesterday I figured I'd power walk to the Borders a few miles away. No biggie.

I have to start checking the weather channel.

91 degrees is a funny temperature... like it sneaks up on you. At first you feel ok. Then after a couple of miles you start to see colors like life has been attacked by Crayola. not. good.

I got to Borders. Alive thankfully. And made a B line for the restroom. All of those bookies stared at me as if they had never seen a fat girl with her work out clothes stuck to her body with sweat, face that looked like a tomato, with the most serious case of humid hair EVER. What. ever.

I got myself together in the bathroom and decided to read a couple of magazines and enjoy the AC before I attempted to make it home.

I texted my hubby to tell him I had walked up there. He texted me back with the always pleasant "good job babe! your hard work will pay off :)" ugh. so positive.

I almost hated to ask him to swing by and get me on his way home from work.
But I still did.

And I rode home in AC :)

The end.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Welcome Back Welcome Back Welcome Back

(humming the Welcome Back Kotter theme song, of course)

Not really sure why it's taken me so long to update. It seems if I forget to update one day then I feel like I have to write the happenings for TWO days and I don't feel like taking the time. All of a sudden two became four and four became... well you get the point. I'm stopping this madness now before I get to far away from my promise, so here comes the update:

I have been keeping up with the low carb lifestyle pretty good. Haven't had any cravings. Haven't gone hungry at all. In fact, I am finding it hard to remember to eat. I set a calender reminder on my Blackberry to remember to eat something every 3 hours. For the first few days it really helped... then I started ignoring it.

Turns out not eating inhibits weight loss, who knew? (I did. But I still did it anyways.) So as great as I was doing the first week, focusing on eating, drinking tons of water, and ignoring my regular daily life, I found it hard to do all of those things and be a functioning member of society.

I helped my mother-in-law run some errands and do some work on a rental property. We were there seven hours and I neither ate nor drank anything the entire time. Fail.

The next day was about the same as the first and I realized that NOT EATING made me crave things I shouldn't be eating. Mainly sugar. In large, concentrated amounts. I would have sold a finger for a regular, full calorie, caffeine loaded Coke with a side of cheesecake.

Needless to day I found myself face to face with the ice cream freezer door at my local grocery store, where I almost lost it all. Thankfully, through God, because it was no will of my own, I was guided to Breyers CarbSmart Icecream and it literally saved my life at that moment. It's fantastic. Flavors are limited, but none the less I was thrilled it existed.

Around the same time discovered my ice cream savior I stumbled upon a little website with a couch to 5k plan that sounded so reasonable I thought even I could do it. After all I am walking a lot more than I used to. My 30 minute walks are about 2 miles so to stretch it to 3.1 miles seems like no biggie. The only slight problem is that I am not a runner. I am not a jogger. I am barely a walker.

It wasn't too far after this realization that I decided, against all common sense, that I COULD be a runner in 9 weeks. The website said so. Although in hinds sight they're probably talking about a couch potato who is maybe 20lbs overweight. Not a girl with almost no athletic ability, who never played a sport in her life, with the fitness level of a 95 year old, and who may or may not be 120lbs overweight.

I read the warnings. "Don't start out to fast you'll get hurt, then discouraged then not want to do anything" and I thought to myself "not me".

Day one starts out like this:

Brisk five-minute warmup walk.
Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking
for a total of 20 minutes.

HA! I can jog for 60 seconds! It's just 60 seconds right?

It gets much worse.

The time I should have spent stretching... I did not spend stretching.
Instead I spent an hour making a complex music mix, which composed of a 5 minute long warm up song followed by 60 seconds of a high energy song (for jogging) and then 90 seconds of a lower energy song (for walking), repeating for a total of 20 minutes, then a 5 minute cooldown. Cool right? If you're curious get it here.

So me and my unstretched muscles started out, and quickly realized that 60 seconds of jogging is longer than 60 seconds of anything else. ever.

I didn't make it 60 seconds. By my count I made it about 40.
I finished the 20 minutes though... barely. Substituting jogging segments for a walking and jogging about 10 seconds at a time.
It. Was. Miserable.
I was so hot that I got home and sat on the floor of my shower, with the water as cold as it would go for 15 minutes. After I showered I laid on the floor of my living room. Wet. Naked. On a towel. With the fan on. For about 30 more minutes.
I called my husband and admitted defeat. He kind of giggled and told me that maybe a 90 degree day wasn't the best day to start. Was it 90 degrees??? Oops.

The next day I hurt. I hurt bad. My feet. My shins. My body. I haven't been on a walk since. This is exactly what I was told would happen if I started out too fast. Shame on my pigheadedness!


Also, while I'm confessing. I ate cake. At a baby shower on Sunday. I didn't ask for it but it was brought to me and I "didn't want to be rude". It smelled wonderful. It looked beautiful. I had never craved it until it was in front of me. Then I devoured it. It tasted incredible at first... and then I felt sick. I'm not sure if it was a psychological thing or just a rush from the sugar/white flour that my body hasn't had in almost two weeks... either way it was a miserable feeling.

On the way home, I called my husband to confess. I heard a little disappointment in his voice... it made me even more ill. He asked me calmly why I ate it. I told him and then I heard him pause. He told me it was one piece of cake. Not to let it ruin everything for me and that it was Ok. Even though he spoke words of understanding the feeling that I had let someone down overwhelmed me...

It's kind of silly... I never felt that way when I let my self down...

This is getting a little too Dr.Phil for me so let me say that at the very moment I am wrapping up this blog post, I am also getting ready to put my walking shoes on.

I ate a great breakfast this morning.

Steak and two scrambled eggs, sautéed zucchini, and 24 oz of water.

I feel good.

Here's to looking good and blogging more often :)