you wouldn't believe me if I told you.

but I'm going to tell you anyways.

Y'all (a little diddy I picked up from my vaca in the southern states) know about my trip to defunk myself. Well, it was fabulous and, I think, very benefical.

I had to cut it short (if two weeks is short) because my very adorable neice (nicknamed Pig Badger because if this animalistic sound she makes when pissed off) turned the big O-N-E on Saturday and I desperately wanted to be at her birthday party.

Not too long after I decided to stay down there, and as I watched my husband drive away in our car, I thought I should probably figure out what method of transportation would be carrying me home. Flying was out of the question as Bristol's airport is basically a middle school with a runway and a ticket home ran a whopping 600 bucks.

So a  mere two days before I was to depart I decided to go ahead and book my rental car. I ran into a tiny snaffu when I realized that nearly every rental car company was unwilling to do one-way rentals. wtfghjgidkshvxmcn. shit.

The only one I did find willing to do a one-way rental cost a small fortune. Plus gas.

Cheapness will forever be my downfall.

I decided to take a Greyhound bus, a method of transportation I had not had the privilege of using since I was fifteen and blissfully unaware of the more comfortable sanitary speedier ways to travel. Hell I couldn't even drive then.

The itinerary said it was a 16 hour trip (with two, two hour layovers for transfers) which blew my mind because it only takes us nine hours tops in a car. Should have seen it coming #1.

So I get dropped off at what is supposed to be a bus station, but is in all actuality an auto mechanic's garage with a Greyhound sticker on the door. Should have seen it coming #2.

People were very nice. I made friendly conversation with a nice man going to see his daughter who was soon to be giving birth to his fourth grandbaby. I let him use my cell phone to call her once we got to Knoxville and had to dial it for him because he "didn't know how to work these futuristic toys". Very cute.

All was well until about 10 pm when we stopped in Middle of Nowhere Kentucky at a Burger King rest stop type place. I discovered upon standing up to exit the bus that I had gotten my monthly gift a whole week early. Yippie.

I ducked off to the bathroom and vaguely heard the bus driver mumble something about already being late, something or other about hurrying and then a sort of threat about the next bus not coming through for 12 hours.

I joylessly cleaned my self up as best as I could in the dirty bathroom trying to balance in ways that would best keep me from touching anything. My ass kept hitting the toilet paper dispenser on one side and the cold metal stall door on the other and I never wished harder for a smaller ass than right then.

I left the germ-a-palooza and made a quick call to my husband. Only to glance outside and see no bus.

NO BUS.

I was honestly in denial. I ran outside and circled to building half a dozen times... spotting my bus driving away from me down the highway.

After an offer to ride with a toothless man to Lexington, panic set in. I spotted a Walmart down the road and took off walking. Sobbing uncontrollably but walking.

I called the only person I knew in the state of Kentucky, who just happens to be my BFF, and asked her to come get me. She was three hours away, but she made it in two. She drove me to the bus station in  Cincinnati (another 3 hours away) where I slept on the floor and waited for the next bus home at 7am.

Here's a map of my adventure.

A. is where I started
B. is where I was stranded
C. is where I slept on the floor of the bus station
D. is home sweet home.

Folks. If it didn't happen to me I would have never believed it. My little 16 hour excursion lasted a whopping 23 hours. If I hadn't been cheap, it would have been  nine comfortable germ free hours in a cushy rental. Take my advice. Don't be too frugal.

I made it to the birthday party 2.5 hours late, and very sleepy, but I made it. And you will never. ever. catch my fat ass on a Greyhound again.

In all of my stress I consumed a cheeseburger, french fries, a burrito, cake, ice cream, regular soda, more cake, and mostacholi.

Awful. I know. But no one dared to stop me after my journey through travel hell. Today I am back on the wagon! And I have some very exciting news that I will announce in another post, as to not contaminate it with the negativity of this post.

Thanks for loving me in all of my pessimistic glory xox